Pondering the Future

It's my curse. I am a planner. My brain is always thinking ahead. I constantly ponder the future. I envy people (like my husband) who are able to live so fully in the moment.

You can see, with my planning problem, how having premature children has really turned my world upside down. And having children with disabilities even more so.

Life is just not as predictable as I want it to be. I experience a lot of anxiety about this. I try to plan, and I want to plan, but I am terrified of the future. I worry so much about all of the "what ifs". What if Eden never walks? What if other children tease her? What if she doesn't feel like her life is worth it? What if I get cancer and die? What if John gets in a car accident on the way home from work? It goes on and on.

Before having the girls, I was oblivious to all of the bad things that could happen to me or my family. I was young, and felt invincible. Maybe because nothing really horribly bad had ever happened to me.

Not that having premature twins with disabilities is so horribly bad. I understand it's a matter of perspective. There are certainly many, many people in the world who may see my life as a complete cake walk. It absolutely is, when you look at how life has turned out for many other people. It could be worse.

That's exactly the problem. I know now, more than ever, that it could be worse.

When the girls were first born, I started to do some research about micropreemies and outcomes, but it was much too difficult to face, so I stopped. I decided early on that I would focus on the positive and hope for the best. I shied away from preemie stories where the outcome was less than perfect. Instead I focused on the few stories I could find where extreme preemies were seemingly beating all the odds. Thinking back now, was this the best approach to take? For me, I think it was the only approach to take, although there have been times that I think I should have prepared myself better for the possible far-less-than-perfect outcomes. But how can you? When you are in the trenches, all the negativity out there could bury you.

I find myself at a place now where I am getting back into the research. Why now? Because I am once again looking toward the future and beginning to think about whether or not we will have more children. I know it's still early, because if (big IF) we do decide to try it again, it won't be for a least another year. But this time my preparations for any future pregnancy would be so extremely different than last time. There are big, heavy questions that I am forced to ask myself that were not even within my realm of thinking before.

What if I get pregnant with twins again? What if they are born before 26 weeks? These are overwhelming, inherently hard questions under any circumstances (although most people never think of them), but made even more difficult by our situation. The girls are only 2 1/2. We've got some major life obstacles to overcome already, and have no idea what other hurdles may be ahead of us. The research shows that we still have the increased risk of significant learning disabilities and mental health issues to look forward to once the girls hit school age.

We also have no idea why H and E were born so early, and no idea what the risks are for me to attempt another pregnancy. These are questions I will explore over the next year. I could make a list of pros and cons, and I bet the cons side would be much longer. But, the pros side would be much heavier. Because in my heart of hearts, I long to have another baby.