Sick and Tired

Sorry to keep you all waiting, but finally here's the longer version...

Holland had a rocky Easter Sunday. We could tell that she wasn't feeling great all day. She took a long nap during the afternoon, and when she woke up she was coughing constantly, and seemed much more lethargic and out of it than usual. She barely ate anything all day, and wasn't drinking all of her normal bottles. She ended up going to bed okay, but awoke in the night coughing, and never really got to sleep again. We brought her to our bed and gave her treatments about every 2 hours. I called the doctor's office, and took her in on Monday afternoon.

At the pediatrician's office she was satting between 88-92. We did a treatment at the office, but it didn't help at all, and she stayed around 92, so the doctor sent us to the ER for another chest xray. When we got to the ER she was satting 83, and only came up to about 90 following three treatments in a row, so they decided to admit her AGAIN.


Initially, like last week, Holland refused to wear a nasal cannula, so we were trying to give her blow by O2, and occasionally she would wear a mask while watching a video. This week, Holland's sats are not staying up, even when she is awake. When we take the O2 away, she drops to between 88-92 right away. When she is sleeping, it goes even lower into the 80s. The first night John and I took shifts staying awake with her to blow the O2 on her face.

Finally yesterday evening, she was in a decent enough mood to try the cannula again, and she has been wearing it since. This makes it a lot easier for us to get a little more rest. Now I am able to sleep slightly better knowing that her O2 will stay on her face.

Yesterday, I thought today would be a better day. Unfortunately, Holland had a pretty rough day. She was VERY tired and lethargic, and only spent a few hours awake. Her face has been very flushed and sweaty. She has been as ornery as can be, and doesn't want anyone to touch her except for me, and maybe her dad. She cries when people enter the room, and tries to hit anyone who touches her. Today it seemed like she didn't even have the energy to be as mean as she wants to be. She didn't even want to play in the "hallway." We have been watching videos nonstop. In response to my fears, the doctor came in to see her again this evening, and increased her breathing treatments from every 4-6 hours, to every 2. We'll see if that makes any difference.


My intuition is telling me that something is not right. I have been solid and calm for the past few days, but the stress and lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I took a break this evening when John got home from work, and cried the whole way to my mom's house. I had a dream last night that Holland had to be put on a vent. I know logically that this probably WON'T happen, but it is a big fear looming in my overactive imagination. I don't think I can handle it if that happens. I don't even know how I possibly survived 110 days in the NICU, but now feel like I am near my breaking point. This is nothing compared to that. But still. Haven't we been through enough? Will it ever end?

I feel bad for Eden. I know she is in GREAT hands with my mom and dad, but I worry that she feels like we abandoned her. When I stopped to check in on her this evening she was happy, had eaten great all day, and was zooming around the kitchen in her walker. I don't know why I feel so bad about leaving her. I guess I miss her. And I worry that she misses me, and her sis.


The doctor today said we'll be at the hospital for at least another 48 hours. That would put us out on Friday. I seriously doubt it. The way things look right now, I can't imagine being home before next Wednesday. Who knows though. I guess today could have been her bad day, and tomorrow she'll turn the corner. Stranger things have happened. We've made it this far, haven't we?

Sorry if this post seems overly negative. It probably isn't as bad as I make it sound. Watch, they'll discharge her on Friday, and you all will think I am a neurotic mess! But hey, any of you who have spent more than a night or two in the hospital with a very sick kid know how I feel... It's not much fun. I'm stressed. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.