This Sucks

So, here's the scoop on Holland. Coughing started on Sunday night, but for the most part she was still eating, still sleeping, and still smiling, so after the first few days we really thought we had it beat, especially following Eden's fairly quick recovery.

Well, I obviously spoke too soon, and RSV has decided to put up a fight.

Eden was discharged on Tuesday morning and we got home around 12:30. Needless to say, it was a joyful reunion. I am not sure who was happier to see Eden...Holland or Zippo (our Beagle). But we had a great afternoon and evening playing, talking, and hanging out together. Nana and Papa dropped by during dinner (to drop off a second nebulizer), and the girls were being silly hams, pretending to be doggies and "walking" each other around on a leash. Holl was definitely coughing at this point, but nothing too alarming.

We thought we were home free after the girls had their breathing treatments and were tucked in bed, and we settled on the couch with a movie and a bottle of wine. That's when the coughing started in earnest. We must have still been in denial at this point, since we stopped the movie several times to chat, polished off the bottle, and didn't head to bed until 1am. We didn't get any sleep that night. She coughed pretty much all night to the point that she couldn't sleep and kept getting up, coming in our room, and calling for us. Around 3:30am we were up and debating about whether she needed to go to the hospital. It was kind of comical because even though she should have been exhausted and miserable, Holland was pretty chipper, and was being really funny. At one point she was showing us her "moves." She certainly didn't appear to be low on oxygen.

Around 4:30, it became unbearable...that feeling of sitting on the fence, so I just decided to take her to the ER. Our hospital has a pediatric ER that opens at 9, and I generally try to avoid taking them to the adult ER at all costs, but this had been going on so long I didn't think I could wait. So we packed up our bags, planning for a stay, and Holland and I headed out at about 5am. We got to the ER, she was satting 100 for about an hour, and they sent us home.

We got home around 7:30am, I gave both girls a treatment, and crashed into bed in the spare bedroom. My lovely husband got up with the girls, and let me sleep until after 1pm. When he woke me up I was delirious and had no idea what time it was! We had a previously scheduled appt with the pediatrician for Eden's follow-up at 2:30. Holland was clearly not doing well at this point, and John and I both could tell that her oxygen was definitely NOT 100 any longer. I called ahead and let them know I would be bringing both girls in. When we got to the office Holland's sats were sitting at 88-92, and didn't budge with a treatment, so we were sent straight to the ER for the second time, where we were promptly admitted.

So, at this point we've been here two nights. Yesterday evening her oxygen needs were increasing, and they bumped her to 1.5 liters. She is satting around 90-94 with that, mostly on the lower end. Her nasal cannula came off twice in the night and she immediately drops to around 85-88. Every time they have to increase her oxygen, I mentally add two days to our stay. With a standard stay being 4 days, and her Os being increased last night, I'd say we'll be here at least 6 days...putting us at maybe Monday if all goes well.

I was working myself into a tizzy during the night, thinking about all of this...the horror stories that I have heard about RSV and what if she is here for weeks and has to come home on oxygen, and what about preschool, and what about my job, and what the hell?????????????

I'm trying to stay positive. Yes, I absolutely adore my beautiful daughters. They are amazing, and adorable, super cute and cool, and they light up my life. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

But I shouldn't always feel the need to justify a little bit of negativity sometimes. Micro-prematurity sucks. It really does. I'm trying to get over it, I really am, but it just won't let me.